If we were all the same, how dull would life be!

It started like a normal Wednesday for me. I was up till 2 am yesterday night, woke up at 8 am to attend the 8:30 lecture, got done with classes and checking notifications on Facebook, when I realized I needed to give words to all the thoughts that have been swirling around in my mind even since 9 am today morning when my Macroeconomics teacher, while describing monetary and fiscal policies claimed, "I am not who I was a day ago. None of you are like me, well, atleast I hope not. How dull would life be if that were the case!". And it made me think of changes. Changes in places, changes in people, changes all around.

It used to bug me when I found people changing. Frankly, it still does. I have a hard time accepting change. That actually is something I won't mind changing in me at all.

I lived in Calcutta as an undergraduate student. I never wanted to go to Calcutta in the first place, but with time I started loving the city. I think it will take a lot for me to stop loving Calcutta. But I went to Park Street on New Year's Day this year. I think I was visiting the place after 8-9 months and I found the changes. I saw a new French eatery Au Bon Pain right at the spot where Music World used to be. My friend and I, infact had breakfast at Au Bon Pain that day, and were trying to remember the old place. I was thinking of the number of times one of us would wait for the other in front of Music World, if someone was running late. I remembered all the times we would go to Music World to just look at the music collection with no intention of buying anything with my friends. And I missed it. I know I missed it because I am thinking (and writing) about it. But I got over it. I did not hate Au Bon Pain. I won't like Park Street any less because Music World closed down.

Unfortunately, accepting changes in people isn't so easy for me. I put in a lot of effort on people and relations, and when someone just changes without any reason, I find it hard to deal with. I consider the concept of 'drifting apart' a load of crock.

I am listening to "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri as I write and I am thinking of the amount of synchronization it will take for two people to change in the same way to love each other for a thousand years. You would say love matures and love changes. The whole five phase shenanigan. But just stop and think about the amount of unhappiness you see around you. And, as I started thinking today, I got more and more inclined to believe that it is all because we change, and we change in a way that we stop being important to the other person, or stop caring for them, whatever be the case.

This, in turn makes me realize how precious those friendships or relationships are that I could sustain for all these years. I have a couple of friends who I have known and loved for close to two decades now. We have grown up, we have moved apart geographically, but I have never drifted apart. We have all gone through phases, be it the geek phase, the nerd phase, the most popular boy/girl in school phase, the cool dude phase, so on and so forth. My point here is, I acknowledge that we have all changed, but should I begin to think I was just lucky that we all changed in such a way over the time that we still remained important to one another. It would have just as likely been a case of 'drifting apart'. Or, would I be correct to claim that not everything changes?

I, for one, have not been able to start/stop loving someone as I changed. I know I have changed. Some changes I feel myself, some others around me point out. But, that has never screwed with my feelings. I still hate my first roommate. I haven't spoken to her in more than a year, and haven't met her in close to two years, but that doesn't mean one fine day I start considering her something which I didn't the day before. Ofcourse, over the time, I have changed, and I know I don't let people affect me the way they used to before. So, if I meet someone like her now, I am sure I will totally ignore that person and be indifferent.

What I am trying to say here is you can not stop feeling what you feel because you change. You might not feel the same about the same person if you met him/her today than when you originally met. You might find that person hard to deal with and make a conscious effort to move away from him/her because you have changed now. But, I can't buy the fact that the feeling just vanished one fine morning.

But then again, as the title says, we aren't the same! So, maybe this is just me, and the rest (or atleast a part) of the world works differently. 

After 18 Months

A lot has happened since I last posted. I would have been really pissed off if it hadn't since I posted last some one and a half years ago. 

I have been in Delhi for the last six months. And realized my reasons for wanting to be in Delhi were, well frankly, screwed up. I have also realized I miss Calcutta. I never thought I would, but that city sure did give me some joyous memories. I also miss fish and all things Bengali when it comes to food. Again, never thought it would be possible. I remember telling my mom over and over again how having the same cuisine for more than two decades is enough to make me never eat it again. How wrong I was! 

I do not know how much personal growth I have had. My days still seem to consist of endless hours of either watching mindless soaps or reading mindless novels. My biological clock is as bad as it was a couple of years ago. And my dedication and discipline still near negligible. 

On the bright side of things, I finally have a roommate who is awesome to live with. Someday I might write about the whack jobs I had for roommates before. I am also living in a hostel and enjoying it very much. I have made new friends. I like the new course well enough. 

I am participating in the 100 Happy Days challenge. I am in the first week of it though, and I don't know how long will I be able to be happy, since I find my default mood to be 'sad'.

One thing I do wish to continue is regular blogging. I have been tinkering with the concept of blogging for almost half a decade now and created atleast half a dozen blogs. Sadly, I haven't been able to maintain even a single for more than a few weeks. I will try to change that this time around, which is pretty much the reason I did not create a new blog for this post, considering the last post was so old and I was itching to name a new blog. Instead, I deleted all my old blogs, so that I can focus on this one.

I remember that Friends episode with all the new year resolutions and how Rachel could not keep her resolution of diary writing since 'a lot happened that year'. I really don't want to repeat that.

Hope to be back soon.

Perfect Weekends

They say happiness and sadness are relative. They also say that you are as happy or as sad as you want to be. The classic half empty-half full example comes to mind.

Similar is the case with weekends.

Your weekend can be as shitty or as amazing as you make them to be.

I have had two awesome weekends in a row. Last weekend I stayed in a city where a 7 hour power cut is common place. Not just that, the city also boasts of being a no-multiplex, no-cafe zone. But I had an awesome time last weekend.
On Saturday, I went to my favorite family friend's place. Then Rweet and I were asked to go get take-outs for the dinner. We drove around the city. Talked a lot while sipping sprite. Came back, ate a lot of food (and ice cream) and returned home after midnight.
On Sunday, which was one of best Sundays I spent in a long time, I was home with my dad for Father's day. We planted 3 saplings together, after which he took me for a driving lesson. We had a traditional Bengali lunch and a very nontraditional dinner of chicken pakora and mangoes.


That was my AWESOME WEEKEND # 1


I know of people who had the tradition "awesome weekends" last weekend!
Some went to pool parties, some went to weddings, some went to Toronto, and some even went to shopping heavens! Compared to that, my weekend was, well, umm, awesome in its own unique way.
I taught my 5 year old cousin all about wild animals, domestic animals and vegetables. I gave her a test on addition and subtraction, and she scored really well in that! My dad was visiting for a day, and I got to see him too. I met with another cousin and had a heart-to-heart with her, and made plans for the next weekend.

So, I am staying at places which hasn't even got a CCD. Haven't seen a movie in months. Yet having back to back awesome weekends.


So, I guess it is all about the perspective! :)

One Long Awaited Bicycle Ride

Last Friday I rode a bicycle after a very long time. Almost three years, I think. I used to love riding the bike. I would ride to and back from school everyday day, and sometimes would even go out in the evenings with my friends.
But then, I left town, and my cycle was given off to the gardener.

A few weeks ago, however, my mom said our neighbors might still have their daughter's cycle.
One of the first things I did after returning home was to ask the neighbor about the cycle. I took it to a friend's place and got it fixed. (It hadn't been used in quite a long time).

And so, on Friday, at about 4:45pm, I went off for a ride. The roads were deserted. There were trees on both sides of the roads. I could hear the birds chirping, and butterflies fluttering. It was simply marvelous.

And though I rode for barely 15 minutes, it still felt like heaven. It felt like old times. So many memories rushed back to me. I remember all the good times I had, at school, with friends. All the crazy times when the cycle had broken down. That one time, when I had to take a lift from a teacher to reach school after I fell from the cycle on my way.

It is strange how the little things in life hold so much meaning. And stranger still, how these very little things trigger the best of memories.

Image courtesy - people clipkart.com

Alternative Universes

ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE # 1

You and I would be two people living in two different cities. And like most people who live in two different cities, we wouldn't know each other. Facebook would notify us having 12 mutual friends and a hell lot of common interests, but that would be all.

ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE # 2

You and I would be two people living in the same city. You would visit my college canteen for the mutton dosa and iced tea and might see me in the passing. You and I would frequent the same joints, with our own group of friends and never know each other.

ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE # 3

You would be the boyfriend of my best friend. I would be the best friend of your girlfriend. You and I would have heard of each other. I wouldn't remember your college name and you wouldn't remember mine. Acquaintances- that's all we would be.

OUR UNIVERSE

I know you and you know me,
A friendship forged cyberly.

I have known you for the last three years, and for more than a year now, very few days have passed when we haven't spoken. We are true blue foodies. You are sensible to the extent that I feel comfortable being my crazy self.
In our universe, this has been one hell of a friendship. In this universe, I can not begin to imagine what I would be without this friendship. Hell, we even have a dysfunctional blog together. How many people have that, right?

And, I wouldn't trade this universe with any other.

Second Helping of Ice cream.

I went over to a family friend's place today with my mom. The friend served chocolate ice cream. Me being be, I asked for a second helping. She was pleased that I had considered her close enough to ask for a second helping. Apparently, it's not a norm to ask people second helpings when you are visiting them.

However, when I got home, my mom said she was embarrassed that I had committed such a grave social mistake. How could I ask for a second helping? What if she did not have any more ice cream? What would people think? Didn't I know my dad didn't approve of me asking things/taking help from others?

I do not know what people would think, but I sure as hell spent a lot of time thinking this strange behavior.

What exactly is the point of calling people friends if you can't even ask them for a second helping of ice cream? Forget about sharing joys and sorrows. Forget about letting them in on a secret. So, who exactly are these people if they aren't friends? And come to think of it, who are friends?

I do not mean friends in the broad term when I ask the question. I am asking about the real deal. Who are those people who you can bare your soul you, who can be let in on your darkest secrets and you wouldn't mind? Are these the people who you have never judged you?

There are the open booked people, who always tend to have the fair share of friends. And then there are people like me, who need years to built trust, and only a second to doubt. 

Bittersweet

I am happy for all my friends. For where they are now, and what they are doing with their life, for what they have achieved and where they have been. I am proud of them. I love them with all my heart.
But sometimes, when I am alone, I begin to thing where did I go wrong. Why am I where I am today? A very few know the truth. This terrible truth that is slowly killing me inside. And even those few who know the truth is because I was not given a choice in the matter.
There is a part of me that knows that life isn't over yet. That I still have a long way to go. That I can turn it all around.
But this other part of me, which dominates my mind and heart when I am alone, keeps saying it is too late. It is almost over. There isn't much you can do anymore. The days are flying by and you will be old soon, with just that on feather in your cap, and even that wouldn't matter anymore because that feather would have withered away by the time.

So, what am I doing? Why am I so moody and non-motivated? Why do I not know what I want from my life yet?

All around me are people who have it all figured out. All around me are people who are going places and doing things. Even those people I hate- the ones with no morality, are better off than me. Five years down the line, they would be the ones who would rule the world. I know I am better than those few as a person. But, that doesn't cut it in this world anymore. Nobody cares whether you cheated and lied your way up. Nobody looks at you anymore. It's just the records and the stats that talk nowadays. I am ok with it. I was always ok with it.

What I fear is whether that one mistake is going to cost me my entire life? All I can do is think of the immediate future and try to improve it as much as I could. But even that doesn't seem enough somehow.

I do NOT wish to end up as a bitter old person with only regrets and untapped potential. Neither do I wish to let go of the real me.

One day, I fear, I will have to choose.
But tonight, I will wallow in my misery.