I am happy for all my friends. For where they are now, and what they are doing with their life, for what they have achieved and where they have been. I am proud of them. I love them with all my heart.
But sometimes, when I am alone, I begin to thing where did I go wrong. Why am I where I am today? A very few know the truth. This terrible truth that is slowly killing me inside. And even those few who know the truth is because I was not given a choice in the matter.
There is a part of me that knows that life isn't over yet. That I still have a long way to go. That I can turn it all around.
But this other part of me, which dominates my mind and heart when I am alone, keeps saying it is too late. It is almost over. There isn't much you can do anymore. The days are flying by and you will be old soon, with just that on feather in your cap, and even that wouldn't matter anymore because that feather would have withered away by the time.
So, what am I doing? Why am I so moody and non-motivated? Why do I not know what I want from my life yet?
All around me are people who have it all figured out. All around me are people who are going places and doing things. Even those people I hate- the ones with no morality, are better off than me. Five years down the line, they would be the ones who would rule the world. I know I am better than those few as a person. But, that doesn't cut it in this world anymore. Nobody cares whether you cheated and lied your way up. Nobody looks at you anymore. It's just the records and the stats that talk nowadays. I am ok with it. I was always ok with it.
What I fear is whether that one mistake is going to cost me my entire life? All I can do is think of the immediate future and try to improve it as much as I could. But even that doesn't seem enough somehow.
I do NOT wish to end up as a bitter old person with only regrets and untapped potential. Neither do I wish to let go of the real me.
One day, I fear, I will have to choose.
But tonight, I will wallow in my misery.
But sometimes, when I am alone, I begin to thing where did I go wrong. Why am I where I am today? A very few know the truth. This terrible truth that is slowly killing me inside. And even those few who know the truth is because I was not given a choice in the matter.
There is a part of me that knows that life isn't over yet. That I still have a long way to go. That I can turn it all around.
But this other part of me, which dominates my mind and heart when I am alone, keeps saying it is too late. It is almost over. There isn't much you can do anymore. The days are flying by and you will be old soon, with just that on feather in your cap, and even that wouldn't matter anymore because that feather would have withered away by the time.
So, what am I doing? Why am I so moody and non-motivated? Why do I not know what I want from my life yet?
All around me are people who have it all figured out. All around me are people who are going places and doing things. Even those people I hate- the ones with no morality, are better off than me. Five years down the line, they would be the ones who would rule the world. I know I am better than those few as a person. But, that doesn't cut it in this world anymore. Nobody cares whether you cheated and lied your way up. Nobody looks at you anymore. It's just the records and the stats that talk nowadays. I am ok with it. I was always ok with it.
What I fear is whether that one mistake is going to cost me my entire life? All I can do is think of the immediate future and try to improve it as much as I could. But even that doesn't seem enough somehow.
I do NOT wish to end up as a bitter old person with only regrets and untapped potential. Neither do I wish to let go of the real me.
One day, I fear, I will have to choose.
But tonight, I will wallow in my misery.
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