Bittersweet

I am happy for all my friends. For where they are now, and what they are doing with their life, for what they have achieved and where they have been. I am proud of them. I love them with all my heart.
But sometimes, when I am alone, I begin to thing where did I go wrong. Why am I where I am today? A very few know the truth. This terrible truth that is slowly killing me inside. And even those few who know the truth is because I was not given a choice in the matter.
There is a part of me that knows that life isn't over yet. That I still have a long way to go. That I can turn it all around.
But this other part of me, which dominates my mind and heart when I am alone, keeps saying it is too late. It is almost over. There isn't much you can do anymore. The days are flying by and you will be old soon, with just that on feather in your cap, and even that wouldn't matter anymore because that feather would have withered away by the time.

So, what am I doing? Why am I so moody and non-motivated? Why do I not know what I want from my life yet?

All around me are people who have it all figured out. All around me are people who are going places and doing things. Even those people I hate- the ones with no morality, are better off than me. Five years down the line, they would be the ones who would rule the world. I know I am better than those few as a person. But, that doesn't cut it in this world anymore. Nobody cares whether you cheated and lied your way up. Nobody looks at you anymore. It's just the records and the stats that talk nowadays. I am ok with it. I was always ok with it.

What I fear is whether that one mistake is going to cost me my entire life? All I can do is think of the immediate future and try to improve it as much as I could. But even that doesn't seem enough somehow.

I do NOT wish to end up as a bitter old person with only regrets and untapped potential. Neither do I wish to let go of the real me.

One day, I fear, I will have to choose.
But tonight, I will wallow in my misery.

Me. Differently.

I love to make "lists". I have been making them for a very long time. The first one I remember was a list of all the books of Enid Blyton when I was in middle school. The latest is the list of all the Hollywood movies I have ever seen. There have been quite a lot of lists in between. Maybe, someday I will write a list of all my lists too.

I like to read books. I prefer the ones with happy endings. To be quite honest, I haven't read too many books without those. But I intend to change that soon. I also intend to write a list of all the books I have ever read. I would go to birthday parties and instead of indulging in the silly games we used to love playing back then, I would go to the bookshelf and pick up books to browse through them. One time I could finish five whole chapters of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix before the birthday girl snatched the book from me and ordered me to talk to her. I didn't like that one bit.

I am an ideal person to talk to, basically because I do not talk much. I like to talk just like every other person, but I do not, except of course to a few very selected people. This "list" of few selected people, once upon a time used to consist my whole class. The only complaint that my teacher had was my talkativeness. I guess you could say I had a lot of friends from kindergarten till middle school. By I time I reached senior year in school, I was left with just four people that I could really talk to in class and now that I am in college that number has dwindled to, umm, let's make it one for everyone's sake.

Sometimes I stay up all night. Well, since I am being honest here, most of the nights I stay up all night. I either go to sleep at 6am or not sleep at all. Just yesterday, I stayed up all night, reading an ebook, got dressed up and went to meet a friend at Park Street. He was a tad bit late so I decided to have a Brownie Sundae as my breakfast at McDonald's. We went to a mall, the newest one in town, that too. We wanted to watch a movie, but the timings didn't match and we ended up watching The Big Bang Theory outside the multiplex on my friend's laptop.

I like to eat out. A lot. I eat out a lot too. Alone. And I am not talking about standing in front of a fast food joint to grab an egg-roll. I am talking about proper restaurants, with cloth napkins, knives and forks. And me. Alone.

And I have 1003 friends on Facebook.

Two of my closest friends live 1500 km away. One, I have never met. Both very good friends of my ex once upon a time. Both, taken together the only good thing that came out of the relationship. Both, taken together, the only reason I do not regret it, since it would have been impossible to have these two had I not been with my ex.

I have been single for one year, two months,three days, four hours, five minutes and six seconds. I do not keep count of that. I just calculated it now. Not the days, hours,minutes or seconds though. Those were just for fun.

Very few people understand my brand of humor. Most don't even get it in the slightest bit. You know, like some people don't get the joke but laugh anyway just to be polite. Well, in my case, nobody laughs.

I love travelling. I have had two vacations every year ever since I was one and a half years old. The first one was Darjeeling, the next one will be Vellore.

I think I am fat. I think I need to watch those carbs. I had chips and coke for lunch today. What I need to do and what I end up doing are two very different things. What I want to do and what I end up doing are two very different things too. What I think about you and what I say to you are two very different things as well. What I think about everything and what I say to you are again two very different things. (you=everyone I know)

And I think I have written enough to make you wonder or write me off straight away as crazy or otherwise.

I can tell you right now what I think of those who will wonder and those who will give the verdict in a heartbeat, but then again, you would never know for sure what I actually thought.

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Democracy and the Civil Society

Since middle school I have known democracy as a form of government “by the people, for the people and of the people”. And I believe everyone else more or else define democracy by quoting those very words of Abraham Lincoln as well. Essentially it means a form of governance where the main power is given to the people and every decision is taken keeping in mind the welfare of the people more than anything else.

However, democracy as Lincoln saw it is hardly practiced in India. The largest democracy of the world still ranks 95^th in the Corruption Percentage Index out of 182 countries with a 10% unemployment rate (in 2010) even after 65 years of independence. I would not ramble about the failures of Indian democracy. Every Indian who reads the newspaper would know how the country is faring. And I seriously don’t believe badmouthing my motherland is going to do anyone any good.

I am here to express my views about the growing civil society in India; the new hope of the nation, which is fast helping to change the dynamics of the country.

For those who are just vaguely aware of what I am talking about, being a student of economics, given below is the definition of civil society adopted by the World Bank: “the term civil society to refer to the wide array of non-governmental and not-for-profit organizations that have a presence in public life, expressing the interests and values of their members or others, based on ethical, cultural, political, scientific, religious or philanthropic considerations. Civil Society Organizations (CSOs) therefore refer to a wide of array of organizations: community groups, non-governmental organizations (NGOs), labor unions, indigenous groups, charitable organizations, faith-based organizations, professional associations, and foundations”.

Now, one can easily exclaim that NGOs have been in the country for a considerable amount of time. What is so new about it? Well, what is new is that in the last decade or so, many, many young social entrepreneurs have come with effective ways to help the country be a better nation. I don’t have to go too far to look for examples either! Youth Ki Awaaz is a perfect example of an online platform started to voice the important issues in our country by the youngsters of the nations.

Let me try to elucidate how civil society is aiding democracy with an example.

The Right to Education Act was finally passed in 2009 after much debate on the bill. This act ensures free and compulsory primary education to all children till the age of 14 years. The work of democracy near about finishes with the act being passed. The civil society’s work is the actual work now. CSOs strive to ensure that this act is implemented by the government schools. Organizations like CRY and UNICEF have launched campaigns to educate the poor people about RTE Act, visiting schools to ensure they do not ask for fees, classrooms and toilets are in proper condition, mid-day meals provided to the children are edible, so on and so forth. They conduct surveys and polls with the help on diligent volunteers and finally file complaints to government if the Act is not followed by government schools. Many other NGOs like Make a Difference and Teach for India have taken it upon themselves to impart primary education to children who cannot afford to pay for it.

This was just a small example to show how civil society makes the government tick and ensures that the laws and acts passed for the needy and poor are actually executed and the people are benefitted from it.

Thankfully, recent years have seen an unprecedented enthusiasm by the youth of the country to make every effort to change the face of the country. Democracy is truly a government by the people and if the privileged class do their bit to help the ones who need it, the world’s largest democracy will surely turn into something worth its name.

I  remember, back in middle schools, I would always end the essays in my English examination papers with “drops and drops of water, make the mighty ocean.” I say that here, because we are the civil society-the educated few in a country where 8 million children do not attend schools and our little contribution is all that is needed to make the democracy tick.

Failure Unveiled

I have failed. And I say this with no inhibition, no shame and no self loathing, but I would rather not write about my encounters with failure here. I would like to remind myself and all those who chance upon this post about the real implications of failure.

It is all too well to succeed in everything one has ever attempted; all too well to never have to see the ugly face of failure, but those who have encountered failure from a close proximity know that it isn’t as bad as it is made to be believed.

For one, it is only after you have failed, and failed big for that matter, that you find closure. If you failed at something you loved, you would realize how much it meant to you, and would get back at it with much more vigor and zeal. On the other hand, if you failed at something that did not have your heart, the failure would only encourage you to take a different course of action, most probably the one that takes you to your dreams. As Henry Ford had quoted, “Failure is the only opportunity to begin again, this time more wisely.”

Secondly, failure also tests you in the most basic way. It puts a road block in your journey and you are forced to find a way to remove it and continue walking towards your destination. Imagine a place that has the most breath taking view on earth and there are two routes to it. One is a motorable road and you will be given a vehicle to reach the destination; the other is a trek route with boulders and waterfalls and you will have to hike through the unchartered terrain to reach the spot. Sure the sensible choice would be the former option, but if you are made to take the road laced with hardships, you would get to see and learn so much more on your way to the destination. You will learn to analyze what went wrong and try new and improved methods to succeed, which in itself would be an achievement. You will learn your strengths and weaknesses, and more importantly your true passions and dreams.


Failure also teaches you to be a better human being. As Sir Winston Churchill once quoted, “Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.” It takes a lot of courage to pick up the pieces after a failure, and be optimistic that life will turn around. It takes a lot of will power to either restore or make something totally new of what the rest think is broken beyond repair. It takes a lot of character to listen to the sneers and comment of your worthlessness and failure at achieving what everyone else conquered, and yet wake up each morning with the conviction that all is not lost and that you will find a way to fix things, no matter how many times you fall down. It takes a lot of strength to believe that just because you fell down once, twice or maybe even more does not mean that is where you belong and to trust in your abilities to make it big someday. In a nutshell, failure imbibes self conviction, optimism, determination and strength of character.


Someone who has encountered enormous failure and come out of it with flying colors has the ability to turn any situation in his favor. History is a testament to the fact that every great leader and every eminent personality of the past had, at one point or the other, encountered failure and had emerged from it as a winner. Be it Spartacus, Thomas Alva Edison, Mahatma Gandhi, Albert Einstein, Bill Gates or Steve Jobs, the common link between all of them is that in the face of adversity they have never given up on their faith and have emerged victorious.
I am, in no way, advocating failure. Every attempt should be made with a view to succeed. However, at the same time, if you do lose some fights, you should not run away from the battle. Many a times you lose because your good wasn’t good enough, many a times you lose because you put your faith in the wrong factors, many a times you lose because your heart wasn’t in what you were doing. No matter what the reason be, failure should always be viewed as stepping stones to success, as an integral part of the learning process, an essential part of life.


The real implication of failure is very beautifully captured by the words of the ace basketball player and an active entrepreneur, Michael Jordan, "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."


Failure is not losing a fight, failure is the loss of the will to fight. Falling down only strengthens you more and teaches you lessons in faith and optimism. Concluding with the words of Confucius, "Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail."

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Too much left to show and see

Am I just a shadow of me now?

Is it time to take the last bow?

Was that the last card to be dealt?

Do I need to fold accepting I failed?

Did I reach the point of no return?

Can it never be again undone?

Can I only regret and repent every day?

And then with time slowly vanish away?

It doesn’t really matter what people say,

Coz when the sun shone, I did not make hay,

I was busy with momentary joy and sorrow,

I lived life like there was no tomorrow.

Well, guess what, tomorrow is finally here,

Bearing news worse than my worst fear,

The sun won’t shine on me anymore,

It can never be the same as before.

I have no one but myself to blame,

For this hurt, pain, sorrow and shame,

Numb and blank in silent lament,

Will I never get a chance for atonement?

I have let people down so bad, hurt them so,

Nothing that I promise will let the shame go,

That eerie silence that stretches every night over dinner,

That defeat in the eyes of the ones who considered you a winner

If I live for a 100 years, I will still not forget,

Another feat in my long list of regret,

Another new way I found to be humiliated,

Another new way to feel worthless and hated,

Every new day brings the same old tale,

Of how I threw it all away, how I did fail,

Of how I can never get it back now or ever,

Coz mistakes like these are meant to last forever.

They last forever, and remind you each new day,

How you ruined it all, how you threw it all away,

And with this thought, I will set to pick up the remains,

With this thought, I will get down to battle again.

Coz, yes I lost, I couldn’t do what everyone could,

But that was coz I didn’t do what I supposedly should,

I failed so bad, because I did not try to win,

I failed because I wasn’t ready from within.

So many false starts, so many goals to be met,

But nothing of consequence was ever really set,

Coz my head and heart were both not in sync with me,

And I let them be for way to long, you see.

So, on this November night, with a coffee mug on my left,

I pledge to myself, I will never let myself be bereft,

Bereft of what I can get if I only try a little more,

Coz I already lost too much and it has numbed my core.

I am never going to be that numb in life,

No matter how long I have to toil and strife,

I refuse to be just a shadow of me,

There is too much left to show and see

I know how to Stay Foolish, Stay Hungry

One day I will prove them wrong,

Coz this will only make me strong.

Even though it hurts too much now,

I know I am not going to take a bow.

There is too much to lose, too much at stake,

I know I will never make the same mistake,

Even though it pains to have doors shut on your face,

I know I can alone find my joy, my solace.

It’s hard to accept I wasn’t good enough,

But I know I have it in me to overcome the tough,

The roads can be rough; the climb is always steep,

But I am never gonna give up again and weep.

Coz I am made for great things, just like everyone,

& it’s a waste to cry over what has been done,

Coz you can knock me down all you want and stamp on me,

I’ll be fine; I know how to STAY FOOLISH, STAY HUNGRY.

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Those unexpected "perfect" days!

When you are awaken by a call mid morning on a weekday, and your sleep deprived mind registers instructions to "get the hell up, coz company is arriving in fifteen minutes", and you mumble a yes and nod back to sleep again. Yet, precisely fourteen minutes later, you are standing at the door, waiting for the culprits who stole your sleep, not caring how messy the room is, or for that matter how hideous you yourself look!

After less than half hearted attempts at problem solving while nibbling home made sandwiches for over two hours in between ample of talking, you realize some days are just too perfect to just live and forget, some days need to be remembered and cherished for times to come.

I do not know where will the three of us be a year from now. Whether we will live in the same city, study the same courses or live lives that are altogether different from what we have now.

The only thing I do know is that nothing in the future can sully what we had, and still continue having.