Turbulent Thoughts

So much love, so much pain,

So much togetherness, so much disdain.

So much to say, so much to share.

How did it all go so haywire?

We drifted apart with mistrust and lie,

Don’t know exactly when, how or why.

From meeting everyday and talking hours on phone

To being too busy with separate laptops of our own.

Till the drift slowly turned into a great divide,

And I felt you had more and more things to hide.

And I felt inadequate, not worthy of your confidence,

Our friendship my truth, and your mere pretence.

I dreamt too big, making plans unrealistic and mad,

 You mum, coz you are too kind to say anything bad.

I doubted myself, as a friend and as a person,

And with each passing day, that feeling would just worsen,

And I would find new ways to retreat away from all,

Because it hurt too much to see you hide and stall.

I know it’s all in my head, and that I am being crazy,

But some days all the good memories are plain hazy.

And on such days, when I am feeling lonely and low,

When nothing makes sense, and I just want to let go.
Because true love conquers everything only in the books,
Because real life is full of cheats, hypocrites and crooks.
And I can't find any happy thoughts to put an end to this sorrow.
Well, who cares anyway, we ultimately die, today or tomorrow.

Robin Williams- When A Status Update Just Isn't Enough

I am sad. Prfoundly sad. And this is after I have cut two birthday cakes, lunched at one of those expensive as shit places and had a great hair day. Every time I get some time to be alone since the last 9 hours, I am pensive.

I can't stop thinking back about my middle and high school afternoons. The first I did everyday after returning from school was switch on Star Movies,and keep watching whatever was on until my mom would shoo me off to either take a nap or run to the playground.

The first time I saw Mrs Doubtfire was on a summer afternoon. The movie was already halfway through by the time I had returned from school and I remember choking on my lunch (which I ate sitting crosslegged in front of the tv, because the dining table was too far) laughing at Robin Williams antics. I did not know who Robin Williams was back then. I didn't even remember seeing him in Jumanji when I was younger at the open theatre in my city's only club which showed good English movies every Tuesday (or was it Thursday?). I remember thinking Chachi 420 is such a sad rip-off (I didn't even know the word "rip-off" back then).

I remember wishing I had a cool flying robot assistant and access to some Flubber to make our Fiat fly too.(Harry and Ron hadn't taken the Flying Ford Anglia to Hogwarts yet.)

I remember cheering for Peter Pan in Hook. I had become a die hard Julia Roberts fan by then. Imagine my amazing surprise to see her as Tinker Bells during dinner one night. I remember feeling inspired by Dead Poet's Society and watching the "Oh, Captain, My Captain!" at least 20 times so far. And I remember watching The Angriest Man in Brooklyn pretty recently and thinking "he has still got it!". Little did I know that it would be his last movie to be released while he was alive.

I am not sad because a great actor and an even better comedian died today. Many great actors have passed away since I grew up  enough to articulate my feeling. That is an unfortunate part of life. Heath Ledger died a few years ago, and frankly, it didn't affect me as much as Robin Williams dying today did to me. And I think the reason is that Robin Williams was a part of my childhood. I grew up laughing and crying while watching his movies. I learnt English watching his movies (we didn't have subtitles back then, thankfully!). And he died too young. In all fairness, I would probably say the same thing if he died 10 years from today, but you know what I mean.

I am sad. Profoundly. Not because Robin Williams, the actor died, but because Robin Williams, the man who made me smile when I was too young to remember Hollywood actors by their names and showed me to look at life in a whole new perspective when I was older as John Keating died this morning. And all I can do is watching Dead Poets Society again tonight and reminisce about a legend lost.

15 Reasons why a Reshaping Implant Surgery was a Good Thing to happen to a 22 years, former Dipsite living in Gachibowli, Hyderabad

Shit happens. Accidents are never fun, no matter how non-serious they might be. They freak us out, give us nightmares, and make us question a hell lot of things! And, atleast for a little while, the glass starts looking less than a quarter-full (as opposed to the half full normal pessimism).

I do not know how much you will believe me, but I truly did find 15 amazing reasons why you shouldn't let the accident and the subsequent operation bother you as much as it probably is right now, because, if only you let is, the glass is always overflowing!

1. PRIME OF YOUTH FACTOR- Just imagine what it would have been like if this accident were to happen 20 years from now. Enough said.

2. PAID VACATION- Again, you know what I am talking about. 

3.BLOG- Remember the pictures you had to upload and ideas for blog posts that kept being pushed aside due to the humdrum of everyday life. Go ahead, write, edit, delete and rewrite to your heart's content.

4.BOOKWORMYNESS- See, I am coining brand new words for you! Ideal time to satiate the bookworm in you. Remember the contentment you get by curling up in a sofa with a cup of coffee and a good book. I hope you are thinking what new to read right after you are done reading this post.

5. BINGE WATCHING- Reruns of Friends never get old. The Big Bang Theory jokes make us embrace the inner geek, and just in case you do not want to watch old shows again, fret not. We have some awesome shows up and running and more to come along pretty soon!

6. EASIEST HOUSE ARREST- You can check house arrest off your bucket list now, without either trips to holding cells or paying exuberant lawyer fees. Ain't that awesome?

7. TIME TO FIGURE OUT ROCKET SCIENCE- What I basically mean by that is you have time on your hand, and heaven knows what you IITians do in your spare time. I was just assuming rocket science isn't too far off the hook, right? 

8.COURSERA- This needs special mention, because Coursera is awesome and I still haven't been able to finish a single one of those. So, umm, you know, now is the best time. Talk about blessing in disguise.

9.METAL DETECTOR MAN- You sure will have some funny ( because strip searching stories are always funny) stories to tell in social gatherings, and possibly be the coolest one around too.

10. SWAGGER- Your brand new style of walking! Gotta love that!

11.THE CLARITY ONLY NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE PROVIDES- For all I know, you have unlocked the mystery of the universe, by which ofcourse I mean the mystery of what 42 depicts! Or are on your way to writing a future best selling novel. Near death experiences also have a way to help the creative juices flow, I hear.

12.PAIN MEDS- You even have legitimate prescriptions. I still haven't watching Breaking Bad, but I guess you know where I am going with this.

13. PITY PARTIES WITHOUT REGRETS- No one can question it. Very few of us get that luxury, dude! Enjoy while you have it.

14. THE WHAT OF IT ALL- Because you know it doesn't take long for the story to go from "I was driving late at night on the highway..." to "I was in a high speed chase at 2am......". 

15. MY LISTOPIA BLISS- And finally, this reshaping implant thingy, with a technical term you can't seem to remember is the reason why I wrote my first ever online list, and you know how much I love list. So, something that makes me do a first, can't really be all bad, right?

The only motive for this post was to bring a smile to your face. I know its a long road to recovery, and I also know you will make it. And just so you know, you are the only one who has two blog posts dedicated to you Abhinav Kishore. Get well soon!

One Long Overdued Testimonial

They say "love" is one hard concept to put into words. Frankly, I find defining "friendship" to be a more daunting task. To begin with, no two friends ever mean the same, and to top it up, you never really know how it begins, and sometimes unfortunately, how it ends.

I generally have a hard time keeping track of how I became friends with the closest people in my life. Quite a few of them I have known practically all my life, and the rest just became important over time. I don't really remember when I first met them or how we connected.

But this one friend, to whom this post is dedicated, is pretty unique because not only do I know the first time we spoke, the event is documented by national newspapers.

And God knows its beyond time that I wrote something for him. So, here goes my testimonial to one of the most important person in my life. (That's right, we knew each other way back during the Orkut days.)

This cute pic was forwards to me by, (yeah, you guessed it), the queen of cuteness, Bhaggu. And with the mindset that this friendship is going to last a lifetime, this is my attempt to highlight how it all began (read as, lasted the first seven years).

BEFORE THE ACTUAL BEGINNING (Pre- 2007 Era)

Ever since you arrived at our school, your name was a regular feature in all the morning assemblies where any academic awards were given. So, for the first few years, I had no face to associate with the name. All I knew was that Abhinav Kishore is a genius and way out of my league.

THE BEGINNING OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP  (Last line of Casablanca)

The only good thing about my +2 were the people I met and the friends I made. And even though I didn't know at that time, looking back I can see how the cornerstone of this friendship was laid. It started with silly games being played at the backbenches, talking endlessly during the computer practicals and finally getting caught passing chits during the tutorials.

HALF A DECADE OF DISTANCE  (That Supposedly Makes the Heart Grow Fonder)

And then we went our separate ways. You went off to Guwahati and I to Calcutta, and a part of me thought that was it. We would end up like all the others, chatting online and phone calls that would eventually be restricted to thrice a year (birthdays and new year) and never ever meeting again.
Boy! Was I wrong!
Because we met, and a lot at that, at railway stations, and lanes of Camac Street searching for test centers, and Xrong's Place and Park Street and Avani Riverside Mall and South City and being too full to even finish a cup of tea at New Market.

AN ALL KINDS OF FRIEND

I had read this article a long time ago, and I find myself pretty blessed to find an all-in-one friend like you.
So, just have a look at the article here (for the first five types) and I will clarify why you fit all the categories in this section.

1. "How did you actually get to be my friend" friend
Well, as I had mentioned right at the very beginning, you and I do not belong in the same league. You get almost perfect GRE scores, I am a five point someone. (This would be the first and the last time I reference Chetan Bhagat, I swear.) Our friendship is a mystery to me,but am I glad that we are what we are today!

2. The Partier Friend
Pretty much all my friends are "Partiers" since I am almost a hermit most of the time. So, this category is a given. Moving on.

3 &4. The One-Upper Friend and The "Oh my god, you are so much cooler than me" Friend
Let's see. IIT, summer abroad, month long USA trip. I think you get the drift here.

5. The Sweetest Guy In the World
Since guys do not like being called sweet on principle, I have an exhibit here to prove my point. Not only are you the sweetest, you are all charms when you want to be.

See what I mean?

6. The 4am Friend
You and I both value the importance of 4am and here is exhibit#2 to drive home my point.

I have been working at this piece for months now. I had couple of rough drafts too. And I can't think of anything else to write.
It has been an incredible 7 years. You have been an incredible friend. And I consider myself fortunate to call you my friend. I know I can be difficult sometimes, and I can't thank you enough for never being mad at me when I am being silly.
I will wrap this up with the last pic of us taken together. And I hope we get to take new pics soon.

Of Department Store Epiphanies

Last week, by an out-of-the-spur decision, a couple of my friends and I decided to visit the nearby shopping complex. After chilling at the local dunkin’ donut outlet, we decided to hit the department store having nothing better to do, and I realized I still don’t know so much about myself.

Up until this point, I was a firm believer that I wasn’t the sentimental type when it came to my home cuisine.  I never look for Bengali food when I went out to eat, and always want to try out new dishes. But this day, I saw a yogurt cup with “misti doi” flavor and despite knowing it wasn’t the real deal, and only advertising technique meant for gullible Bengalis, I ended up buying not one but two of those. 

  

I kept wondering why did I buy it, because it really didn’t make any sense for me to buy, and yet, I couldn’t walk away without putting it in my cart. And in the billing counter it finally hit me.

I bought it for the sentimental value. I bought it because it reminded me of Sunday lunches with my parents and trips to sweet shops with my grandfather. It reminded me of home. And some part of me will always be homesick. Not enough to make academic and professional decisions based on a need to be close to home, but just enough to pick up random grocery items that remind of home, and not being able to forget it for days, and write blog posts about it.

If we were all the same, how dull would life be!

It started like a normal Wednesday for me. I was up till 2 am yesterday night, woke up at 8 am to attend the 8:30 lecture, got done with classes and checking notifications on Facebook, when I realized I needed to give words to all the thoughts that have been swirling around in my mind even since 9 am today morning when my Macroeconomics teacher, while describing monetary and fiscal policies claimed, "I am not who I was a day ago. None of you are like me, well, atleast I hope not. How dull would life be if that were the case!". And it made me think of changes. Changes in places, changes in people, changes all around.

It used to bug me when I found people changing. Frankly, it still does. I have a hard time accepting change. That actually is something I won't mind changing in me at all.

I lived in Calcutta as an undergraduate student. I never wanted to go to Calcutta in the first place, but with time I started loving the city. I think it will take a lot for me to stop loving Calcutta. But I went to Park Street on New Year's Day this year. I think I was visiting the place after 8-9 months and I found the changes. I saw a new French eatery Au Bon Pain right at the spot where Music World used to be. My friend and I, infact had breakfast at Au Bon Pain that day, and were trying to remember the old place. I was thinking of the number of times one of us would wait for the other in front of Music World, if someone was running late. I remembered all the times we would go to Music World to just look at the music collection with no intention of buying anything with my friends. And I missed it. I know I missed it because I am thinking (and writing) about it. But I got over it. I did not hate Au Bon Pain. I won't like Park Street any less because Music World closed down.

Unfortunately, accepting changes in people isn't so easy for me. I put in a lot of effort on people and relations, and when someone just changes without any reason, I find it hard to deal with. I consider the concept of 'drifting apart' a load of crock.

I am listening to "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri as I write and I am thinking of the amount of synchronization it will take for two people to change in the same way to love each other for a thousand years. You would say love matures and love changes. The whole five phase shenanigan. But just stop and think about the amount of unhappiness you see around you. And, as I started thinking today, I got more and more inclined to believe that it is all because we change, and we change in a way that we stop being important to the other person, or stop caring for them, whatever be the case.

This, in turn makes me realize how precious those friendships or relationships are that I could sustain for all these years. I have a couple of friends who I have known and loved for close to two decades now. We have grown up, we have moved apart geographically, but I have never drifted apart. We have all gone through phases, be it the geek phase, the nerd phase, the most popular boy/girl in school phase, the cool dude phase, so on and so forth. My point here is, I acknowledge that we have all changed, but should I begin to think I was just lucky that we all changed in such a way over the time that we still remained important to one another. It would have just as likely been a case of 'drifting apart'. Or, would I be correct to claim that not everything changes?

I, for one, have not been able to start/stop loving someone as I changed. I know I have changed. Some changes I feel myself, some others around me point out. But, that has never screwed with my feelings. I still hate my first roommate. I haven't spoken to her in more than a year, and haven't met her in close to two years, but that doesn't mean one fine day I start considering her something which I didn't the day before. Ofcourse, over the time, I have changed, and I know I don't let people affect me the way they used to before. So, if I meet someone like her now, I am sure I will totally ignore that person and be indifferent.

What I am trying to say here is you can not stop feeling what you feel because you change. You might not feel the same about the same person if you met him/her today than when you originally met. You might find that person hard to deal with and make a conscious effort to move away from him/her because you have changed now. But, I can't buy the fact that the feeling just vanished one fine morning.

But then again, as the title says, we aren't the same! So, maybe this is just me, and the rest (or atleast a part) of the world works differently. 

After 18 Months

A lot has happened since I last posted. I would have been really pissed off if it hadn't since I posted last some one and a half years ago. 

I have been in Delhi for the last six months. And realized my reasons for wanting to be in Delhi were, well frankly, screwed up. I have also realized I miss Calcutta. I never thought I would, but that city sure did give me some joyous memories. I also miss fish and all things Bengali when it comes to food. Again, never thought it would be possible. I remember telling my mom over and over again how having the same cuisine for more than two decades is enough to make me never eat it again. How wrong I was! 

I do not know how much personal growth I have had. My days still seem to consist of endless hours of either watching mindless soaps or reading mindless novels. My biological clock is as bad as it was a couple of years ago. And my dedication and discipline still near negligible. 

On the bright side of things, I finally have a roommate who is awesome to live with. Someday I might write about the whack jobs I had for roommates before. I am also living in a hostel and enjoying it very much. I have made new friends. I like the new course well enough. 

I am participating in the 100 Happy Days challenge. I am in the first week of it though, and I don't know how long will I be able to be happy, since I find my default mood to be 'sad'.

One thing I do wish to continue is regular blogging. I have been tinkering with the concept of blogging for almost half a decade now and created atleast half a dozen blogs. Sadly, I haven't been able to maintain even a single for more than a few weeks. I will try to change that this time around, which is pretty much the reason I did not create a new blog for this post, considering the last post was so old and I was itching to name a new blog. Instead, I deleted all my old blogs, so that I can focus on this one.

I remember that Friends episode with all the new year resolutions and how Rachel could not keep her resolution of diary writing since 'a lot happened that year'. I really don't want to repeat that.

Hope to be back soon.