THE LOST ONES

In the big frame of things, break-ups seem to become almost inconsequential. Because, even though you burn all the pictures and delete all the chats and forget his contact details, somewhere at the back of your mind, you know that if the dire need arises, some friend of a friend (of a friend?) will provide you with the phone number and you could connect. And despite you acting like your life is over after a break-up, the only thing that should truly bum you out is literally just that; the end of a life.

Last evening I was having the usual hectic day, with the plans for a not-so-usual good night. Everything was running as smooth as it does, when this guest lecturer arrived to teach us about the petroleum sector in India. He was this distinguished old man, with that grandfatherly aura around him. And all of a sudden, amidst a discussion of oil bonds and the recent deregulation of diesel, I started missing my grandfather. My maternal grandfather, to be precise, since I didn’t have the fortune to remember much of my paternal one; he died when I was 2. And I prayed it was a case of some dramatic fight or estrangement, or some generation gap issues which made us not talk to each other, so that I could just call him or travel to see him. But all I am left with are old photographs, and memories that are slowly fading away. My grandfather died on 2^nd August, 2012, two and a half years after my paternal grandmother died on January 16, 2010. And I miss them terribly. I don’t like discussing them with my parents, because I don’t want to make them sad. I understand that their pain is so much more than what mine is, because compared to my parents, I knew them for a short span of time, visiting them only during vacations.

Yesterday, this one incident was playing over and over in my mind. I don’t remember in which class I was back then. My grandfather had come to visit us in Bokaro, and we used to live in our old quarters. It was a school day and I had to get some Xeroxes done for class next day, so he and I went to the Sector 6 market to get it done. Once there, the photocopied papers didn’t come out that well. It was dark and not clear, and dadu told the photocopy guy to Xerox it all again. The guy was reluctant, but dadu was firm. He said that had it been some office document, he wouldn’t have minded, but this was his granddaughter’s school work, so the prints must be perfect. And honestly, I was embarrassed to see him fight with the photocopy guy like that, in his broken Hindi. But now, when I have more sense that I did when I was a kid, I realise that gesture for what it truly was. A proclamation that nothing but the best for his granddaughter, even if he has to speak in broken Hindi for it, even if he has to argue with the photocopy guy for it.

Another instance comes to mind, when being the kid that I was, I decided I wanted to become a doctor, and my dadu was to play the part of a patient. He went out and bought a genuine stethoscope for me. I wonder where that is now, but I remember hours of playing “doctor-doctor” with him, where he would lie patiently, and I would “diagnose and treat” him.

He used to say we were like “q and u”. I was the “u” and him the “q”, because in the English vocabulary, a lot of independent words start with “u”, but “q” is almost always succeeded by a “u”- quick, quiet, quilt, question, you get the drift. So, that was how important “u (me)” was for his “q”.

I like to believe I inherited my love for English from both my grandfathers. My mom said my paternal grandfather would carry me in his lap while teaching students English in the evenings. I, of course, don’t remember any of it. But it feels nice to muse over such things, trying to find connections with your grandparents, despite not remembering them.  

I have a very fond memory of making my first even sandwich for my dadu. I was in class 6-7 maybe. We were in Uttarpara, and my mom and grandmom had left me and dadu at the house to go shopping somewhere. They were taking a lot of time to return, and I got hungry. I decided to cook something for us both, and I remember it took my almost 15 minutes to figure out that the cucumbers and tomatoes are kept in the fridge. It was a semi-decent sandwich, I guess. I hadn’t even toasted the bread. But I remember him praising it greatly, and then proudly saying that I fed him when my mom and grandmom returned, and to everyone else that came for the next few days.

So many wonderful memories, so many great moments, and it doesn’t matter where you are and how busy you have been keeping, some days you really can’t help but think about the important people in your life, who you will never see, whose voices you will never hear, whose hands you will never hold, and it makes you profoundly sad.

And whenever I think of my grandfather, I remember this one particular quote he used to always say. It was his favourite, by far, and written by famous Bengali poet Michael Madhusudhan Dutta, “Sey aajike holo koto kal, tobu jano mone hoy sedin sokal.”

Imperfect

She stood long in front of a stained imperfect mirror in a freezing bathroom. Her hair pulling up into an imperfect bun, with imperfect strands escaping out of the hairband. She was trying to remove the overly done imperfect make-up from her acne-ridden imperfect face, thinking of all the photos where her imperfect belly pouch were visible which even the blackness of her dress couldn't hide. Such an imperfect dress, unable to perform its solitary function of hiding the imperfection proportions of her body. She looked back into the evening, and remember that one moment of perfection. She had been successful in conjuring the perfect imitation of a smile when someone had comment on her stunted imperfect dancing skills. She had tried so hard to forget all her imperfections throughout the evening, wanted to have a good time. But even before she had decked up to go out, she had realized how imperfect she was, how inadequate, and found herself questioning her imperfect decision of ever thinking she would be a part of this world of perfect people.

She had thought maybe she would evolve from a bookworm to a social butterfly. Maybe stop feeling sorry and learn to appreciate herself. Maybe even have a couple of friends who didn't emphasize her imperfections. Such imperfect thoughts. Trust her imperfect heart to overlook all the facts and past evidences and hope for impossibilities.
Apparently she had learnt nothing from her past imperfect relations. The imperfect anticipation of being more than a friend for someone, when people who she thought were her close friends didn't even remember her birthday, and she forgave them because she knew they wouldn't care even if she stayed mad. So she pretended to be perfectly fine when in fact, it was killing her inside.
She remembered all the verbal abuse that had shaped her into her present imperfect self, and how it would probably remain her shadow for life.

And in that dingy imperfect bathroom, with her scarred and flabby imperfect body chilled to the bones, and silent tears clouding her imperfect eyes, she took an imperfect vow to return to the shell. Because she realized it wasn't a cocoon, and she wasn't a caterpillar to be metamorphosed into a pretty butterfly. She was a snail, slow and ugly, and would be unable to survive without the shell, not that she claimed that the imperfect shell would provide much protection against something even as feeble as a 5-year old's feet.  

Birthday Overboardness

I love birthdays. Not just mine. And, as a result, sometimes I go overboard. Last May I think I crossed all levels of overboardness. So, since I have to reset my phone and will be losing all my photos soon, I am going to save those memories here. For all I know, this might just be the only birthday of hers that I got to celebrate, which makes it extra special.

So, the idea was to keep it surprising. And gift as many random things as I could. We had a good laugh. The pics are pretty self explanatory, so I won't go into too much details. It just was a very fun time for me, and this is just me documenting it.

And Day #8 was the D-Day.

Turbulent Thoughts

So much love, so much pain,

So much togetherness, so much disdain.

So much to say, so much to share.

How did it all go so haywire?

We drifted apart with mistrust and lie,

Don’t know exactly when, how or why.

From meeting everyday and talking hours on phone

To being too busy with separate laptops of our own.

Till the drift slowly turned into a great divide,

And I felt you had more and more things to hide.

And I felt inadequate, not worthy of your confidence,

Our friendship my truth, and your mere pretence.

I dreamt too big, making plans unrealistic and mad,

 You mum, coz you are too kind to say anything bad.

I doubted myself, as a friend and as a person,

And with each passing day, that feeling would just worsen,

And I would find new ways to retreat away from all,

Because it hurt too much to see you hide and stall.

I know it’s all in my head, and that I am being crazy,

But some days all the good memories are plain hazy.

And on such days, when I am feeling lonely and low,

When nothing makes sense, and I just want to let go.
Because true love conquers everything only in the books,
Because real life is full of cheats, hypocrites and crooks.
And I can't find any happy thoughts to put an end to this sorrow.
Well, who cares anyway, we ultimately die, today or tomorrow.

Robin Williams- When A Status Update Just Isn't Enough

I am sad. Prfoundly sad. And this is after I have cut two birthday cakes, lunched at one of those expensive as shit places and had a great hair day. Every time I get some time to be alone since the last 9 hours, I am pensive.

I can't stop thinking back about my middle and high school afternoons. The first I did everyday after returning from school was switch on Star Movies,and keep watching whatever was on until my mom would shoo me off to either take a nap or run to the playground.

The first time I saw Mrs Doubtfire was on a summer afternoon. The movie was already halfway through by the time I had returned from school and I remember choking on my lunch (which I ate sitting crosslegged in front of the tv, because the dining table was too far) laughing at Robin Williams antics. I did not know who Robin Williams was back then. I didn't even remember seeing him in Jumanji when I was younger at the open theatre in my city's only club which showed good English movies every Tuesday (or was it Thursday?). I remember thinking Chachi 420 is such a sad rip-off (I didn't even know the word "rip-off" back then).

I remember wishing I had a cool flying robot assistant and access to some Flubber to make our Fiat fly too.(Harry and Ron hadn't taken the Flying Ford Anglia to Hogwarts yet.)

I remember cheering for Peter Pan in Hook. I had become a die hard Julia Roberts fan by then. Imagine my amazing surprise to see her as Tinker Bells during dinner one night. I remember feeling inspired by Dead Poet's Society and watching the "Oh, Captain, My Captain!" at least 20 times so far. And I remember watching The Angriest Man in Brooklyn pretty recently and thinking "he has still got it!". Little did I know that it would be his last movie to be released while he was alive.

I am not sad because a great actor and an even better comedian died today. Many great actors have passed away since I grew up  enough to articulate my feeling. That is an unfortunate part of life. Heath Ledger died a few years ago, and frankly, it didn't affect me as much as Robin Williams dying today did to me. And I think the reason is that Robin Williams was a part of my childhood. I grew up laughing and crying while watching his movies. I learnt English watching his movies (we didn't have subtitles back then, thankfully!). And he died too young. In all fairness, I would probably say the same thing if he died 10 years from today, but you know what I mean.

I am sad. Profoundly. Not because Robin Williams, the actor died, but because Robin Williams, the man who made me smile when I was too young to remember Hollywood actors by their names and showed me to look at life in a whole new perspective when I was older as John Keating died this morning. And all I can do is watching Dead Poets Society again tonight and reminisce about a legend lost.

15 Reasons why a Reshaping Implant Surgery was a Good Thing to happen to a 22 years, former Dipsite living in Gachibowli, Hyderabad

Shit happens. Accidents are never fun, no matter how non-serious they might be. They freak us out, give us nightmares, and make us question a hell lot of things! And, atleast for a little while, the glass starts looking less than a quarter-full (as opposed to the half full normal pessimism).

I do not know how much you will believe me, but I truly did find 15 amazing reasons why you shouldn't let the accident and the subsequent operation bother you as much as it probably is right now, because, if only you let is, the glass is always overflowing!

1. PRIME OF YOUTH FACTOR- Just imagine what it would have been like if this accident were to happen 20 years from now. Enough said.

2. PAID VACATION- Again, you know what I am talking about. 

3.BLOG- Remember the pictures you had to upload and ideas for blog posts that kept being pushed aside due to the humdrum of everyday life. Go ahead, write, edit, delete and rewrite to your heart's content.

4.BOOKWORMYNESS- See, I am coining brand new words for you! Ideal time to satiate the bookworm in you. Remember the contentment you get by curling up in a sofa with a cup of coffee and a good book. I hope you are thinking what new to read right after you are done reading this post.

5. BINGE WATCHING- Reruns of Friends never get old. The Big Bang Theory jokes make us embrace the inner geek, and just in case you do not want to watch old shows again, fret not. We have some awesome shows up and running and more to come along pretty soon!

6. EASIEST HOUSE ARREST- You can check house arrest off your bucket list now, without either trips to holding cells or paying exuberant lawyer fees. Ain't that awesome?

7. TIME TO FIGURE OUT ROCKET SCIENCE- What I basically mean by that is you have time on your hand, and heaven knows what you IITians do in your spare time. I was just assuming rocket science isn't too far off the hook, right? 

8.COURSERA- This needs special mention, because Coursera is awesome and I still haven't been able to finish a single one of those. So, umm, you know, now is the best time. Talk about blessing in disguise.

9.METAL DETECTOR MAN- You sure will have some funny ( because strip searching stories are always funny) stories to tell in social gatherings, and possibly be the coolest one around too.

10. SWAGGER- Your brand new style of walking! Gotta love that!

11.THE CLARITY ONLY NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE PROVIDES- For all I know, you have unlocked the mystery of the universe, by which ofcourse I mean the mystery of what 42 depicts! Or are on your way to writing a future best selling novel. Near death experiences also have a way to help the creative juices flow, I hear.

12.PAIN MEDS- You even have legitimate prescriptions. I still haven't watching Breaking Bad, but I guess you know where I am going with this.

13. PITY PARTIES WITHOUT REGRETS- No one can question it. Very few of us get that luxury, dude! Enjoy while you have it.

14. THE WHAT OF IT ALL- Because you know it doesn't take long for the story to go from "I was driving late at night on the highway..." to "I was in a high speed chase at 2am......". 

15. MY LISTOPIA BLISS- And finally, this reshaping implant thingy, with a technical term you can't seem to remember is the reason why I wrote my first ever online list, and you know how much I love list. So, something that makes me do a first, can't really be all bad, right?

The only motive for this post was to bring a smile to your face. I know its a long road to recovery, and I also know you will make it. And just so you know, you are the only one who has two blog posts dedicated to you Abhinav Kishore. Get well soon!

One Long Overdued Testimonial

They say "love" is one hard concept to put into words. Frankly, I find defining "friendship" to be a more daunting task. To begin with, no two friends ever mean the same, and to top it up, you never really know how it begins, and sometimes unfortunately, how it ends.

I generally have a hard time keeping track of how I became friends with the closest people in my life. Quite a few of them I have known practically all my life, and the rest just became important over time. I don't really remember when I first met them or how we connected.

But this one friend, to whom this post is dedicated, is pretty unique because not only do I know the first time we spoke, the event is documented by national newspapers.

And God knows its beyond time that I wrote something for him. So, here goes my testimonial to one of the most important person in my life. (That's right, we knew each other way back during the Orkut days.)

This cute pic was forwards to me by, (yeah, you guessed it), the queen of cuteness, Bhaggu. And with the mindset that this friendship is going to last a lifetime, this is my attempt to highlight how it all began (read as, lasted the first seven years).

BEFORE THE ACTUAL BEGINNING (Pre- 2007 Era)

Ever since you arrived at our school, your name was a regular feature in all the morning assemblies where any academic awards were given. So, for the first few years, I had no face to associate with the name. All I knew was that Abhinav Kishore is a genius and way out of my league.

THE BEGINNING OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP  (Last line of Casablanca)

The only good thing about my +2 were the people I met and the friends I made. And even though I didn't know at that time, looking back I can see how the cornerstone of this friendship was laid. It started with silly games being played at the backbenches, talking endlessly during the computer practicals and finally getting caught passing chits during the tutorials.

HALF A DECADE OF DISTANCE  (That Supposedly Makes the Heart Grow Fonder)

And then we went our separate ways. You went off to Guwahati and I to Calcutta, and a part of me thought that was it. We would end up like all the others, chatting online and phone calls that would eventually be restricted to thrice a year (birthdays and new year) and never ever meeting again.
Boy! Was I wrong!
Because we met, and a lot at that, at railway stations, and lanes of Camac Street searching for test centers, and Xrong's Place and Park Street and Avani Riverside Mall and South City and being too full to even finish a cup of tea at New Market.

AN ALL KINDS OF FRIEND

I had read this article a long time ago, and I find myself pretty blessed to find an all-in-one friend like you.
So, just have a look at the article here (for the first five types) and I will clarify why you fit all the categories in this section.

1. "How did you actually get to be my friend" friend
Well, as I had mentioned right at the very beginning, you and I do not belong in the same league. You get almost perfect GRE scores, I am a five point someone. (This would be the first and the last time I reference Chetan Bhagat, I swear.) Our friendship is a mystery to me,but am I glad that we are what we are today!

2. The Partier Friend
Pretty much all my friends are "Partiers" since I am almost a hermit most of the time. So, this category is a given. Moving on.

3 &4. The One-Upper Friend and The "Oh my god, you are so much cooler than me" Friend
Let's see. IIT, summer abroad, month long USA trip. I think you get the drift here.

5. The Sweetest Guy In the World
Since guys do not like being called sweet on principle, I have an exhibit here to prove my point. Not only are you the sweetest, you are all charms when you want to be.

See what I mean?

6. The 4am Friend
You and I both value the importance of 4am and here is exhibit#2 to drive home my point.

I have been working at this piece for months now. I had couple of rough drafts too. And I can't think of anything else to write.
It has been an incredible 7 years. You have been an incredible friend. And I consider myself fortunate to call you my friend. I know I can be difficult sometimes, and I can't thank you enough for never being mad at me when I am being silly.
I will wrap this up with the last pic of us taken together. And I hope we get to take new pics soon.